Greetings to all who share an interest in reading.

I write this as a young black woman - college educated in her 30s, and no other pretty way to say this, I grew up in the hood and worked very hard to achieve education and am still working to better myself, my life, my family, and future generations.

I just got done having a meeting with my classmate as I helped her plan a trip for her students. We also caught up since it been a while - she shared with me that she got married. I was extremely happy for her and loved seeing her loved. But I couldn't help but reminisce about my own dating quarrels. I don't know if I'll ever get married. I'd like to.

I have white friends - many of them - I talk to them and get to know them just like any other friends. However, when it comes to the topic of personal/love and romantic life, there are ways I shrink. There are ways they can take up space in relationships that almost seem like a foreign dream. I can't help but notice the dating experiences I have in comparison to my white girlfriend counterparts. It's actually embarrassing to discuss the dating experiences I have had. I really hope one day I can be loved in the ways I see my friends experience love.

My experiences have been a lot of struggle. A noticeable difference I notice between my white girlfriends and me is the type of men we date.

All my experiences have been with black men. My father is a black man. My brother is a black man. I care deeply, but I must note that most of the trauma I have experienced was caused by black men. It's taboo to me, and I don't understand why I have the experiences I have and how their experiences are. I know material histories play a role, as well as education and class, which are also factors to consider. We are not having the same experiences, and dating is very exhausting. I just want to have a normal dating life. I didn't ask for the tumultuous experiences - I didn't ask to be traumatized. I want to experience dating in a healthy manner, but that feels foreign to me with my racialized body navigating the Western world and modernity. I refuse to accept this as normal. I refuse to develop negative or stereotypical thoughts about black men, and I refuse to give up on myself and finding love. It weighs very heavily on my heart that I've had so many misfortunes beyond my control. I am a young, single black woman just trying to date, and I had to stop because it was causing so much harm. I wish people were more authentic and honest. I refuse to allow those who have done me wrong to harden my heart or steal my joy and light. My unfulfilled dreams of love hang on my soul like a heavy load because I still question why, this had to happen to me. I can't help dishonest people; the shame should be on them for taking advantage or not being honest. I will continue to hold love in my heart and be honest about my truth and pain. nothing to hide nothing to perform.